(1) The Burton Hero Snowboard
"The Hero will change you forever." - Burton
"Save the cheerleader; save the world." -That one guy on Heros.
"With great power comes great responsibility." - The dead uncle guy in Spiderman.
"You should see the toast. I can't even get it through the door." - Uncle Buck.

"The Burton Hero will make you do things, bad things...nasty tricks that you thought were impossible. Its secret is a three-stage rocker design that adds buttery Scoop tips and the vice-like grip of Pressure Distribution Edges to an already ridiculous forgiving and nimble package. Slash pow, smoke the pipe, lock into rails, and uncork tricks that you never considered trying. This board is like a bike pump for you balls." This description is like a roofie for my intellect.

(2) The Burton Women's Feather Snowboard
"The Feather is Burton's warm welcome to snowboarding, built to make progression fast and fun for beginner to intermediate riders. Catch-up, keep up, and show your friends how it's done in no time." -Burton

Ok. So how come when Burton names products for women they throw out names like "Feather" while men get names like "Hero." Please see the chart below for some other obvious examples of Burton's clearly biased naming practices.

MENS	WOMENS
Burton Thunder Rumble	Burton Secret Diary
Burton Face Explosion	Burton Pretty Mermaid
Burton Murder Balls	Burton Appletini
Burton Sexual Conquest	Burton First Kiss
Burton Genocide	Burton Where Are My Keys?

(3) The Burton Men's Moto Snowboard Boot
"More people rock the Moto than any boot on the planet. Simply put, it's versatile, supple, and built to last. Speed Zone Express lacing lets you dust everyone in the sprint for first chair without stressing over knots, tangles, or loose laces." -Burton

Just don't make the same mistake I did and assume that when Burton says "first chair" they're referring to first chair violin in your community's orchestra. Not only did I lose the race to "first chair" because of these boots, but it also turns out that first chair in the Toledo Symphony Orchestra is not determined by a foot race. Who knew?

 

(1) The Arbor Draft Snowboard
Arbor's take on the rocker revolution, the new Draft is designed around The System, a fusion of interdependent technologies that support jib-specific performance. I don't know much about the Arbor Draft and their "System," but I've got something I like to call "The System" involving equal parts Arbor Mist Peach Sparkle, Blackberry Merlot, Cranberry Twist White Zin, a certain amount of disgrace and a fair share of regret. Yep. The System. Thanks, Arbor Mist.

(1) K2 Slayblade Snowboard
"Stop playin'. Start slayin'." - K2

I'm gonna say this again, I just don't have the energy or sobriety to do your shopping for you. You want a full description? Man, you're demanding. Ok. Fine. Here it is, straight from the horse's mouth.

And I don't mean to badmouth one of our favorite companies, but let me just say this: What a disappointment when I found out this was a snowboard. I'm not sure how old my nephew is, but he was born sometime in the last year, so I'm gonna guess he's somewhere between grades K and 2, and I could've sworn "totally awesome sword for playground protection" was on his school supply list. (Looking back, I was pretty drunk, so I may have misread that.) Either way, I googled "k-2 slay blade," placed my order, and waited anxiously. I was more than a little let down when this came in the mail to find that the "Slayblade" was not an amazing children's sword but a snowboard. Oh well, I heard my nephew managed to put the school bully in traction using only this snowboard, so I guess it worked out for everybody in the end. Good work, kiddo. Your uncle's very proud of you.

(2) K2 Maysis DB Snowboard Boots
Meet the new kid on campus: Maysis is a true genius, a great athlete, and a loyal friend. Summercamp at Mt Hood, or the double kink at your 'hood, he's with you every step of the way.

Or so you thought. But here's the thing about Maysis being a student-athlete. The pressure is really quite great for an all-American athlete on the honor roll. I mean, he's probably gonna rush Phi Beta Kappa (I'm pretty sure he's legacy). Things are gonna start to get to him. His grades may slip a bit. A B- on a Organic Chem lab, and Maysis decides he's gonna drink whiskey before the homecoming game. Maybe he gets arrested. Maybe his dad's not very happy, makes him spend the night in jail. And when his brothers won't even bail him out, Maysis feels like he has nowhere to turn. Maybe whiskey's just not cutting it anymore. Maybe Maysis gets into blow. His girlfriend can't take it and dumps him. His life is spiraling out of control, and it's just too much for one person to take. Maysis probably ends up 35 and alone, drug-induced hepatic disease taking over his liver. I guess what I'm trying to say is appreciate the time you have with Maysis before he's dead, er...sold out. Buy these before we sell out. Man. What a downer.